Maybe This Time He'll Try to Understand

It has been years since this relationship has ended but I still catch myself falling back into different trauma mindsets. One of these mindsets that came up today is when I try to think of a new way to explain something to him. The thoughts revolve around the idea that if I can just word it differently, better, then this time he'll finally be able to understand me. This is a difficult mindset to be in and is one that can truly take over any other thoughts going on.

What a sad mindset to continue to live in. Blaming myself that he doesn't understand how much he hurt me because I haven't been able to explain it well enough. I know that psychologically it is my brains way of trying to control the situation but despite knowing that it is still something I'm working through.

Want a glimpse into what this mindset looks like? Read the following paragraph about 50 times over and over again and once you start to feel like you're going crazy, read it 50 more times.

"How can I explain this to him? Maybe I can word it this way. No, I tried that last time and he still didn't get it. So maybe if I word it another way he'll be able to get it this time. Right? I thought I did such a great job explaining my hurt to him last time but he still couldn't get it. What should I change this time so I can make sure he hears me? How can I get him to finally acknowledge my pain?"

Dealing with this rumination cycle, especially with someone like my ex, it becomes never ending. I recently found journals I had kept while he and I were still together. I had one that was dedicated only to writing out how I was feeling and how I was going to explain that to him. There are pages and pages and pages of these conversation prompts, and the amount of times the same feelings and thoughts come up over and over again even when it had been years is very high.

I don't think he psychologically knew what he was doing but despite that he did a great job at intermittently making it known that he finally understood me and he finally was sorry. This would then be followed by days, weeks or even months of him "not getting it" again. But that one time was always enough to keep me hopeful that I would be able to word things the right way again and get to feel that satisfaction of being heard.

August 23, 2022

I'm so sad that this is how I feel in my relationship and that every time I try to explain that to him, my feelings again get wiped away.

November 28, 2022

It doesn't seem like he sees me and I'm sick of feeling as though I have to prove myself to him.

December 20, 2022

I just want to make sure I write this down before I forget. He and I talked a little yesterday and he acknowledged that last year he did fail to consider how what he wanted to do would affect me. He also acknowledged how he is also sorry for leaning on people who only had his best interests in mind. It felt good to finally hear him say that and hear how sorry he is for that.

February 14, 2023

I felt so happy and excited and hopeful that he was finally hearing what I have been trying to tell him for so long but then all of that hope was crushed moments later when he said how he doesn't care enough to do the difficult work it would take to do that. I don't know if I ever felt a shift so quickly before. Feeling like everything I have been wanting and asking for was finally becoming visible and then watch it all be destroyed right in front of my eyes.

It is hard not to feel my heart break for the version of me that wrote those entries. She was so alone in so many ways, even her mind was betraying her with the constant ruminating. Although it does break my heart, at the same time it gives me even more reason to always grow and learn. Going forward I'm going to start repeating this in my head anytime the thought of explaining something to him comes up, "he never wanted to understand and he never will. The only person who matters when it comes to understanding is me and I understand I deserve better than to continue this cycle."