Isolation Attempts

Abusers use a tactic called isolation. This is when they isolate their victim from their friends and family. This is done because the less outside influence their victim has, the more control the abuser can continue to have over them. This is because their victim will be less aware that abuse is happening and are more likely to blame themselves for the issues that are coming up in the relationship.

I am currently now almost two years out of an almost twelve year abusive relationship. Despite that, I am still experiencing realizations as to how deep the abuse was. About a month after my ex husband left, (yes, he left me, a story for another time) I started finding out about his cheating. Soon after that I started heavily reading into and watching videos about narcissism and abuse. I became extremely educated in this topic and slowly, during my research, things started to click. This research helped me realize that I had not been the abusive one, despite how frequently he liked to tell me I had been, but I had been the one who was abused.

Isolation was one of the topics that came up during my research that I had a more difficult time finding a connection with my story. I eventually brushed it off as being included with the very few tactics he didn't use against me. But like many of the other realizations I have had about the abuse I have endured, it didn't become clear to me until I relived it through a flashback.

A bit of information that may help, is that my ex was and is very covert in his abuse. This means that he abuses in a way that is very difficult to see when looking at the surface of the relationship. He is very conscious and concerned with making sure that anyone who glances his way will think he is someone who does well for himself financially, is a good dad, a good partner to whoever he is currently with, and is a victim of anyone who may label him as an abuser. Because of this I too was fooled for a very long time that he was all of those things and even to this day, I find myself doubting my realizations.

Back to the topic at hand. My flashback that connected the abuse tactic of isolation to the abuse I lived through for over a decade.

Most of our marriage he didn't spend a lot of time going out with friends, that was until we moved to a new state. About six months after moving we bought a home, and then about six months after that he started spending at least a few times a month going out with friends, if not more, with or without me. Often times without me, since someone needed to stay home with the kids, or any other reason he could think of as an excuse for me not to be invited.

At first, and really the whole time, this was difficult for me being left home alone with the kids as he started to live his life. Despite how difficult if was for me, I was supportive of him going out. I didn't want to put my anxious thoughts on him, or at least that is what I was told I was doing whenever I asked any questions about his plans. He would go out and rarely ever told me when he would be home, sometimes not being home until three or four in the morning.

After experiencing about a year of this and not ever going out on my own with my own friends, I finally made plans with someone, a new friend I had met online. We met up for Midday drinks and we hit it off right away. I'm sure I went home to him afterwards and let him know how happy I was I had made a new friend, and how excited I was that we had hit it off so well.

This new friend and I soon made plans to hangout again a couple months later, but this time for brunch in a busier part of town. This plan had been proceeded by multiple times that he went out with his friends without providing me with any plans at all, or providing me with information on when he would be arriving back home from those plans. If any plans of a arrival back home was provided it was typically undershot by at least a couple of hours. All of those times, I was yet again home alone with the kids, but extremely supportive of the time he had with his friends.

Considering this information, once the day came that I was finally able to go out and have some fun with my friend, I assumed that the same expectation would be provided to me. That there was no expectant time for my arrival back and he would have no issue caring for our children alone in my absence. I could not have been more wrong.

I left that morning to meet my friend in the city. On the way to meeting my friend the car I regularly drove broke down on the side of the highway (another issue we can address at a later time). I called a tow truck and waited for one to pick me and my car up, to take us to the dealership the car was bought from. My friend generously met me at the dealership so I could have a ride to brunch.

After experiencing, and while experiencing that whole ordeal, my then husband was constantly being informed of what was happening. Once my car and I were safe at the dealership, he continued to act and communicate as if he could not be more supportive of me getting to spend time with my new friend. I left that dealership feeling grateful that I not only had a new friend who was willing to go out of their way to make sure we could spend time together, but I also had a husband who wholly supported me creating new friendships. Or so I thought.

My new friend picked me up from the dealership and we drove to our brunch reservation. We had the best time at brunch, it was so easy for us to connect. Because of that, once we finished with brunch, we didn't want our fun to end and per the above, my then husband had regularly gone out with his friends with my support without providing either any idea of a return home or provided an inaccurate time he would be home. So in my mind I thought I should be provided the same understanding and support.

My friend and I decided it would be fun to bar hop a little since even though, it was a pretty quite time of day, there were quite a few bars for us to visit within walking distance. We stopped by two bars before my husband started blowing up my phone. He sent texts about how sick he was feeling, and texts asking me where I was and when I thought I would be home.

At this time in our relationship, my awareness of his emotional and mental abuse was starting to come to light. One of the ways this transpired was my awareness of the significant differences between what he expected from me versus what he gave me. So when he started texting me, the messages were very vague and none of them specifically asked me to come home. Because of this, I started to struggle with a conflict within myself.

One side of me, the one he created through his mental and emotional abuse, felt guilty and wanted to immediately drop everything and go home to take care of him and the kids. The other side of me, remembered multiple times when I had wanted him to choose me over his friends, but was met with the response of "you should have directly asked me to do so.". In this moment, I for the first time, chose the part of me that was fighting against the abuse. But he eventually wore me down.

My friend and I went and grabbed ice cream and once we were done I let her know that I needed to go home. Since my car was not working and was at the dealership, she offered to drive me home, an hour and a half out of her way. I thanked her over and over again for her understanding and selflessness, things she certainly didn't owe someone she was only hanging out with for the second time.

I was dropped off at home expecting to go inside finding a sickly husband and kids who were going off the walls. Instead what I found was a slightly sick husband, kids who were being kids, and his grown sister who had earlier in the day decided to take the day off so she could help him.

This was the first time I remember truly seeing the inequality that was present in our relationship. He had not once mentioned in any of our texts that his sister, who was older than he was, was helping him with the kids. All he presented through his texts was how difficult it was for him to care for the kids while he was sick.

Soon after getting home and being informed that his sister was there helping him, I confronted him. I asked him to step aside with me into our bedroom so we could talk privately. I then directly asked him how he had so easily left me alone with the kids numerous times without providing an accurate time frame of his return, when it bothered him so much when I did the same to him. Do you want to know what his response was?

He responded and said that he didn't know before how this would make him feel, because he had never experienced it. Now that he had experienced it, he knew it wasn't something he liked. This was after at least dozens of times he put me in a situation that he was now stating he didn't like for himself. During that conversation, I set a boundary that we would both respect each other's time by providing accurate return times when we left the other alone with the kids. Sadly, he never respected that boundary, and I was left continuing to give, but never receiving the same in return.

Now, almost two years out of this relationship, I can clearly see the reality of what was happening.. He not only directly told me that he was incapable of empathy, but he also attempted to quickly end a new friendship I was making with someone who was helping me see what he was doing to me.

I know healing will take time, and though I may not feel fully healed yet, I'm more equipped now to handle the scars left behind. It will take a lot of time and work to undo the damage he did, but only I can be held accountable for what happens moving forward. But a sure sign to be on the look out for is a "partner" who does what they can be tear down the connections you work on building outside of the relationship you have with them. Anyone who truly loves and supports you will also love and support everyone who tries to do the same.

If you recognize any of these signs in your own life, know that you deserve love, respect, and support. You are worthy of having relationships that uplift you and allow you to grow, both individually and together.